You’re the reliable one. The fixer. The problem solver.
Friends and family might tell you that you work too much, or that you’re always taking on too much.
You’re the one who always volunteers to help, or perhaps is “voluntold”, because everyone knows that you’ll step up.
But the problem is, you’re exhausted. You know it’s not working. You’re left wondering:
“Why can’t I just set boundaries and stick to them?”
Why It’s Hard to Set Boundaries
Perhaps you’ve tried to set boundaries in the past, but they weren’t respected, or it made you feel so guilty that you decided it wasn’t really worth it.
You’d rather shoulder the burden to keep the peace.
Why is that?
Here are three reasons this might be happening:
- Your identity is tied to being helpful.
If you see yourself as the helpful one or the dependable one”, setting boundaries can feel like betraying who you are.
- You lack self-trust or clarity.
If you don’t believe your needs are valid, you’ll hesitate or over-explain when you try to hold boundaries.
- You haven’t accepted the cost of setting it
Every boundary risks disappointing or upsetting someone. If you’re not ready to face that discomfort, you’ll stay in the old pattern.
So here’s the question: Are you willing to upset others to not abandon yourself?
Your First Step
This is your invitation to begin noticing your “yes” impulse: the automatic urge to agree to what others want, at your own expense. When does it happen most – at work, at home? With whom?
When you notice the pattern, you can then begin taking small steps. For example, say no to a minor, unreasonable request from a colleague who you have a good working relationship with, before you build up to a harder “no” to a customer.
Who Else Benefits?
If it feels difficult or selfish, don’t think of it as just for you. Think of who else benefits from you setting clear boundaries:
- If you’ve better balance, it means more time and energy for your family or partner.
- Speaking up at work can improve conditions for your whole team and set an example for junior colleagues
- Your clients or customers benefit because you stop overcommitting, so you deliver better quality work consistently.
- Friends benefit from honesty – they know where they stand, and the relationship is built on truth, not resentment.
Plan for pushback
It’s much easier to hold a boundary you’ve thought through calmly than one you try to set under pressure. Establish your limits before you’re tested.
When you know someone might react badly, you can prepare your wording and tone. Anticipating resistance, and your reaction to it, can make it less rattling. Create a plan for how you can regulate your nervous system and ground yourself.
Reframe Boundaries
If you see boundaries as conflict or disruption, try this:
Boundaries don’t push people away. They make space for what really matters.
Being clear is often the kindest thing you can do, for yourself and for others.
Your new To-Do list:
- Notice the “yes” impulse
- Don’t do it for yourself, do it for those who matter most to you
- Plan ahead – establish your limits, prepare for pushback
- Reframe boundaries so you can see them as something that genuinely improves your life and relationships
This article was written by Julie O’Sullivan from Sula. I work with people-pleasers, approval-seekers, and empathetic leaders to build confident, guilt-free boundaries.
If you’re ready to stop abandoning yourself and start setting boundaries that stick, I can help.
You can find out more about working with me here: julieosullivan.carrd.co or on Instagram @sula_coach
